I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
