Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
