Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
