I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
