You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
