I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
