I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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