Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
