You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
