I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
