Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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