I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
