There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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