even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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