If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
