What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
