My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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