We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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