i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
