Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
