Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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