The maid of honor just puked.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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