Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
