I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
