The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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