Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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