i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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