it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
