69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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