I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
