I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
