Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
