Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
