What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
