my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
