I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
