I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
