You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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