Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
