Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No stitches, just platelets and will power
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
