I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
