Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
