i love accidental penises.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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