I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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