I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
