Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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