Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
