sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
