I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
