new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
